samanther

( last year at this time. )


This is when I got my control back. This is when everything changed for the good. At this time last year I was trapped in a vicious cycle of letting someone control my life, someone that did not even deserve everything that I gave to her, and everything that I gave up for her. I'm always fascinated to read what I was thinking roughly a year ago, and I do it frequently. It definitely brings things into perspective for me. Lately I have felt a little down about my friendships with Ashley and Jessica. Reading this had made me realize how good I have it.

Spring is starting. I remember the start of Spring last year. I remember this specific day, I was going home, she wasn't. We had been having petty little fights for God knows how long at that point. Fights over the bar. Fights over what I was allowed to do, and where I was allowed to be. I packed my stuff. She walked with me downstairs. We walked outside, it was a day just like it is today, the sky was blue, it was warm, the sun felt so good. The goodbye was awkward, the tension high. There were people laying outside on the grass. I walked away, and in that moment, with everything going on around me, I finally felt peaceful. I remember getting to the bus stop. I remember buying the ticket. I don't remember anything else. But today reminded me of that day.

I'm going home today. I'm going to pack my stuff and walk to the bus stop just like that day.

It happened. She's gone. I'm my own person, and lately I have come to realize how much people really love and appreciate me, not for the person that I am friends with, and not just on assumptions, but because of who I really am. I don't have to pretend anymore. People depend on me, Eleanor even called me beautiful. It meant so much more.

I've been having trouble figuring out life lately. I've been slightly depressed on and off, confused because of a boy, and confused because my life is moving so fast and I don't know what to do about it. But I am so much better off than I was. I just needed to be reminded. Don't we all?

i was walking home from allie and jenn's a few minutes ago. i had one of those moments where i realized how everything had fallen into place.

i smiled because i couldn't help but smile.

i smiled because i do that a lot with the people in my life.

i smiled because sleep is coming soon, and with sleep comes dreams. and my dreams as of late have been lovely.

my only wish is that what happens in those dreams actually would happen. i guess i'm greedy.

i wish i didn't like him so much.

it's 5:45AM. i have yet to go to sleep. i was with allie and jenn today. we watched freaks and geeks, my newest obsession aside from juno.

i think i've almost gotten past the stage in my life where fun and alcohol are closely associated. i love drinking, and i love being drunk, and i will most definitely be pretty drunk next weekend for my birthday. but i so much so prefer...this. this feeling like, you know, i talked to someone tonight. i learned something about someone that i would not have learned if we were sitting with an empty bottle.

i feel like happiness is such a weird emotion. you don't really know what it is until you experience sadness, and then when you realize you're finally happy, you just sit there waiting for the bad stuff to come back. well, at least that's how i feel. i think that i'm happy, i really do. sometimes i just think that i can't accept it, i'm always just expecting something to go horribly wrong.

i have the best friends i could ever ask for. honestly, i know that if i need someone, someone will 100% be there. i know that ashley would do anything for me, and i'd do anything for her. it almost gives me this sense of satisfaction. after so long of not knowing whether or not someone would be there if i fell, i finally know that if i do, she'll catch me, or jessica will catch me, or my friends here at school, will catch me.

people think it's weird, the friendship i have with ashley. people always think my friendships are weird. why? why is it so weird that i treat my friends so well? why is it weird that i have such strong bonds with people? isn't that a good thing, strong bonds? i feel like no one else has friends like mine, that know everything about them, that don't judge them, that can tell them anything and everything, bad, good, sad, happy, and no matter what it is, eventually laugh about it. i just wish i could make them understand that it's not weird; it's amazing. it's an amazing feeling to know that someone is so close to you that they're like your family, but better somehow.

i don't know what i'm getting at, i don't think i ever do. i've had this urge to write lately, but what about? there's not much "drama" in my life anymore. there's not that ridiculous story thing, where i'm always having to question everything someone does.

GOD. why am i so confused?

i love my job. i love the people i work with. i take pride in the fact that the people i work with like me, respect me, treat me like i'm so much more than i actually am. i love that ashley is my manager. i love that i'm not the only one that likes brittany anymore, i love that she's this awesome person, a sweetheart, who gives my best friend someone to lean on while i'm not there physically.

what was i saying again?

i just want to scream at her.

i want to tell her what a fucking cunt she is and how she broke me down and treated me like i didn't deserve to be treated, like someone that isn't even human.

i want her to feel as bad as she made me feel. i want her to feel like someone beat the shit out of her, without having to lift a finger.

i want her to have the mental scars that i have, the ones that i have to face almost daily, just because it will forever be in the back of my mind that i was taken for a fool, that someone walked all over me just because SHE THINKS THAT SHE'S SPECIAL.

i am happier than i have been in the longest time. i have my new beginning. i have the best friends i could ever ask for. they stand by me no matter what has happened, they have my back, they would never think of doing the things, and saying the things, and spitting the lies that SHE did. because they're GOOD PEOPLE.

and i'm a GOOD PERSON.

i want her to know how bad she hurt me, but i don't want to give her the satisfaction.

and even if i said all of this to her, even if i screamed and cried and punched her in the face, it would not affect her. because she doesn't care.

but what's really funny is that even though i was so hurt, and sometimes i still am, i take the whole...experience...as a positive one. because if i hadn't experienced the shit friendship i had with her, i don't think i'd ever know how good i have it now.

and i have it good now. people like me, they love me, they care about me and my well being.

that's more than she can say.

i'm not just the girl from the bar that people think is "so awesome" and "so hysterical". i'm not just the girl that people use for a good time.

i'm the girl that people value because i listen and i help people and i know how to be a friend. and a damn good one at that.

in the end, she can deny ever talking about me, or hurting me, or lying to me, and she can blame it all on me, but in my heart, i will always know that i came out of it a better person.

that's more than she can say.

this always happens. i was doing a survey on myspace before, a survey that was all about CHRISTMAS! and i got really excited. soon i'll be heading home for thanksgiving. i can feel this sense of warmth come over me when i think about the smells and the tastes and the amazing feeling i get being around my entire family, everyone content and happy, even if just for a little while. the anticipation is killing me. i just want this week to FLY by, i want next weekend to just be over, and i want tuesday to come SO bad. cause then i'll know that after that one class, i'll be on my way home! ah!

i really cannot wait. nine more days.

it's really odd. i always end up in this sort of dilemma. my life would be near perfect right now if it wasn't for the fact that i'm not fond of one of my roommates. cathy is pretty much the opposite of me in every way possible. and it doesn't work to our benefit at all. i feel like this always happens to me; i have to tolerate someone that i don't particularly like, bordering on despise, because that's just the way things are. i'm so irritated by that.
i think i dealt with it so much last year. the whole victoria situation was ridiculous. i suffered for way to long and i let people get away with way too much. it's so different than this though. victoria was just annoying; i have to admit, a lot of the reason why i hated her so much were stupid. they were bordering on not really existing. but this is about my food disappearing, being sneaky, and sometimes even being downright nasty. not to mention the stupidity and the immaturity.
i honestly don't know what to do though. the thing with my school is that if you're put in a triple freshman year, you get a $500 check at the end of the year for having three people in your room instead of two. that's the only reason why i think she's really holding on to any of this. i can't really complain, if i do, i'm out, not her. and i don't want that at all. i still want to continue rooming with brady, more than likely beyond this year. but if she came to me in the next five minutes and said she wnated out, i'd honestly give up that $500 in a millisecond. that makes me sound like a horrible person. but living with someone you completely can't tolerate, who just pushes every one of your buttons in a completely bad way, who isn't related to you...it's just become such a huge source of stress. i have enough stress with classes and just being regularly social because of the type of person that i am. the added stress from having to deal with this situation is just really taking a toll on me the past couple of weeks.
i know it sounds like i almost WANT to hate someone all of the time. i'm just the type of person that if i dont like you upon meeting you and hanging out with you for a little while, then i'll more than likely never develop a like for you. and this is definitely one of those cases. and i'm also the type of person that can't help but show my dislike a lot of the time. i've handled it a lot better than i would have in high school though. i put on a happy face and try and be as strong as possible. usually it's pretty easy cause i have so many amazing people around me here. so many people that make all of the trouble worth it. but there are sometimes when it's so overwhelming. i think i've only cried three times here; once when my family dropped me off, another time when i fought with brady over something incredibly stupid, and today when i shed a few tears out of sheer frusteration. that's probably a record for me seeing as how just about everyday of freshman year of high school i bawled my eyes out.
i don't know why i had to say all of that. i just had that urge. yeah.

today was the first day since graduating that i actually missed high school.
isn't that weird? how you can hate something so much while you're there, but in the end, miss it like crazy? i don't know man, i don't know.

IS AWESOME. i am so loving it right now. our first night we got invited to a frat party by the frat boys, went to an off campus house, got driven there by the frat boys themselves, got WRECKED playing beer pong, and came back to our dorm room for some good laughs. college so far is flippin' awesome, i love the people i've met here, our roomie is awesome, and we're having the time of our lives man. so loving this.

wow. all i can say is wow. today i'm leaving to go to greece and a few days after that, italy. i don't think it's even really hit me yet that i'm actually going. i'm all packed, i just need to pick up a few last minute things (an adapter, some snacks for the plane, sunscreen, etc...), and then brady and i are off to the school to board the bus that will take us to the airport where i will be completely terrified. i do have valium though, so hopefully that calms me down quite a bit.

so, i will be gone for 10 days. it feels like such a long time right now, but you know how vacations are; they always go incredibly fast. expect a ridiculous amount of pictures when i get back. i got a new memory stick, a 1GB one, so believe me, i will be making good use of it.

oh! and in other news, i ordered my prom dress and it should be in by the end of next week. it's GORGEOUS. i'm in love with it. still need that date thing though. blegh.

but let's not dwell on that, i need to go finish up getting ready, call brady, and before i know it i'll be in the airport. on my way to switzerland for my stop over. eee! i'm so excited! talk to everyone soon <3

from now on, the livejournal is friends only.

i just read every livejournal entry that i've written since the first day of senior year. and you know what i have discovered?

I WROTE THE SAME DAMN THING. EVERYTIME. maybe in different words, but it's just this constant back and forth, push-pull, overkill of emotional distress, and you know the worst part?

IT NEVER ENDS.

and. uh. yeah. why bother repeating what i've already said like, 82 times? SO TIRED.

today is st. patricks day, and the school decided to give us a day off. how appropriate, seeing as how it was going to be our senior cut day anyway. we'll find another day for that occasion.

but besides that, i really needed today off. i really just need to sit down and reconsider a lot of the decisions that i've been making in my life lately. i tend to overthink and overanalyze EVERYTHING. and that can be good in some ways. sometimes, it helps me work things out easier than the next person, but most of the time, it just causes me to upset myself and hurt myself. i have a lot of issues that i really don't speak of in the public forum; i'm very self-concious about everything. everything from my hair, to my scars, and most of all, my weight. my weight has been something i've been struggling with for a majority of my life. people that have known me for that long, know that i'll lose some weight, but gain it back, plus more, every year of my life. freshman year was the year i was most successful. as stupid as it sounds, being depressed and having so much anxiety, really helped the process along. i didn't want to think of anything else, the only thing that i could possibly control at that point was what was going in my mouth. if i could harness the willpower that i had when i first started weight watchers, i'd be great. i lost 20 pounds right out of the gate. but now, it just seems so difficult. i have more responsibility, i have more money, and more times than not, i'm eating out. and yes, i know that i could get the salad, or eat only one slice of pizza, but who the hell wants to do that while watching your skinny friends be able to eat as much as they want?

therefore, after this week (i have my period. i crave EVERYTHING.), i plan on fully getting back on that healthy eating thing. for a while i had it down pat. i'm going to cut up veggies and stop eating chips. most importantly, NO MORE SODA. soda is evil. from now on, water, vitamin water, and seltzer are my staples. eating between meals will still be there, but it won't be a bag of chips or cookies, it will be celery, or carrots, or sugar-free jello. anything that will satisfy the hunger and still taste good, but still be good for me. i need to eat breakfast; oatmeal always hits the spot, fresh fruit salads once spring rolls around. lunch, a sandwich and some pretzels or white chedder popcorn will do. dinner? my toughest meal of the day. i can at the same thing everyone else is eating, but i can't eat the same portions that i am right now. one slice of pizza is good enough on friday nights. salads are always good. when we get fast food, get grilled not fried. i can do this.

and no, this is not to lose weight for prom, actually this has absolutely nothing to do with prom. just can't live like this anymore. i can't be so self concious about this anymore; it affects everything in my life. once i can start losing the weight, i can become more outgoing and just shed that layer of myself that i've carried with me for so long. i need to do this.

i'm also afraid that lately, and obviously, my mental condition has fallen back to that of three years ago. i don't know how it happens, but i am seeking therapy to get myself back to what i was. unfortunately, i'm on a waiting list for this therapy, because they're so inundated with teens seeking help. but i'll get there, and i'll get better. eventually, things will all turn out okay, and i'll be okay, and things will start to fall into place like they did three years ago.

on april 1st i'm going to visit new paltz for an accepted students open house. i'm excited, really excited. this time my mom is coming with me, and possibly brady and her mom. i really loved spending time there when i went for the regular open house. everything just seemed so quaint and serene. the views are gorgeous. and i loved the artsy feel of the college. so yes, that should be awesome.

then, on april 13th, i will be embarking on a journey to europe with my school. we're going to greece and italy, and i am SO psyched, you have no idea. i got my passport in the mail yesterday, i have my luggage, and we have a meeting at school about it on tuesday. the people that are going are awesome; me, brady, bez, and bodd, and a few other girls. it's going to be such an awesome experience, i'm going to take TONS of pictures. and hopefully get trashed in europe. oh god. it's going to be fucking AWESOME.

AND, tomorrow i'm going to go get myself a sidekick, a) because i've wanted one since they came out, and b) because then while i'm away in europe and away anywhere for that matter, i can keep in touch with everyone through instant messenger. i know, i'm such a computer/electronics geek, but i loveeeee the sidekick. AH! so excited to actually go get it tomorrow. they're seeling it for $99 (after a $50 rebate, but still, AMAZING!), and then they plan is only $39.99 per month. not bad at ALL. so yessum. excitedness =)

i'm thinking there's really no point in me going to school for the next two months. i do absolutely nothing, i'm so completely done with high school, and i do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. i'm done with the work, the teachers, the girls, everyone. honestly, i'm just generally annoyed with the whole school atmosphere. if i could make it be over right now, i probably would. i'm nervous about college, but this is just ridiculous.

oh and. I HATE PROM. I HATE TALKING ABOUT IT, THINKING ABOUT IT, LOOKING AT ANYTHING HAVING TO DO WITH PROM, E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. me not having a date is really just pissing me the fuck off. and yes, it is a big deal. people may not think so because they already HAVE dates, but you have no idea how much it SUCKS to not have anyone willing to go with you. i am so god damn frusterated over the whole thing. if i don't have a date by like...tomorrow, i'm simply just not going. i'll regret it, but what the hell, i'd rather regret not going than going and having a shitty, miserable time watching people make out and be happy with their dates.

i haven't ranted in a while. that felt good.

lately i've ben having some serious mental issues. i've talked about the highs and the lows here. but it just seems to get worse. i'm not functioning well at all with the issues that i have. the anxiety attacks are back, i'm crying for no reason, and my self-esteem is COMPLETELY shot. and i just don't know what to do anymore.

well. it's about that time again. time to go back to school after a long week off. i always remember what my therapist said to me the first time i went on this winter break freshman year; how are you going to go back? you need to prepare yourself. take a deep breath and don't worry, people will like you.

not that it applies directly to my life as it stands now. i now know that there are people that like and appreciate me there. it's just a matter of getting back into the swing of things. i've never been good at these transitional things.

this break has been hard for me. i think i've always had trouble with weeks like these. they leave me with way too much time to think. and the people that know me best know that when i think i over-analyze and just hurt myself in the end. i scare myself on days like that. i find myself thinking about things that i normally don't think about. things i don't even WANT to think about. things that i really don't have much of a reason to think about.

so what happened between that last friday before school ended and now? i think a better way to start is what happened between friday and saturday of last weekend, into sunday, monday, tuesday, and the rest of the week. i mean i can pinpoint things. things that upset me, but for a while there, i was low. i was lower than i had been in a while. i can't do that anymore. i can't sit there and think that way just because of other people. other people cannot have this effect on my life. i want to be happy, but i don't want that happiness to depend on whether or not i get a phone call. is that too much to ask?

it's stupid, believe me, i know. i'm being ridiculous. and over-sensitive. and i'm taking out this anger, this jealousy, and this absolute hurt out on people that don't deserve it. and once again, those that know me well know that i do that frequently. i'm always apoligizing for taking my anger out on the wrong people. i always go about it the wrong way as wel. it's just that in the heat of the moment, whatever i'm feeling, comes out. i never think things of this nature through well enough. it's tough to do that when you're so overwhelmed with sadness, and hurt, and anger, and jealousy. it's so difficult to sit down, take a deep breath, and think things through. to know that everything is eventually going to be okay isn't enough anymore. in fact, it never was enough. i don't want things to be okay just because i held back. i want things to be GOOD because i'm open and honest but in a good way. and i want people to be that way with me too.

it's so hard for me to imagine that things are going to change in such a short period of time. in a matter of months i'm going to be leaving, not living at home anymore, going to college. and yes, i know, everyone i know is pretty much going through the same thing. i don't want to think that these people aren't going to be my friends throughout my entire life. but the truth of the matter is, i'm going to have to let go of people. because it's just going to happen naturally. those people who are meant to be a part of my life will stay in it. those who aren't will be a mere memory, a picture in a scrapbook, something that happened not so long ago, but it feels like forever. and that's sad. it's sad how things can change in an instant.

for my first year of high school, you probably thought i focused on myself way too much. between being depressed and having all of the anxiety problems that i did, it probably appeared that everything was about me. but throughout the whole process, the only people i was living to serve were those who i wanted to love me. i didn't tell anyone about my problems because i didn't want to hurt people. yeah, stupid. for four years i've focused on impressing people and trying to get them to like me and be my friends, on trying to put a god damn smile on my face, on making sure that before i cried, no one was around, only the people that could handle it. i can't do it anymore. i want to focus on myself. i want to do it so bad. i want to be able to say, you know what, i care about you, but i care about myself more.

it should be so easy. but i really do care about other people's lives more than i do my own. i like to talk to people and help them, because i expect the same in return. i mean, believe me, i'm not perfect, and i'm not a saint, but i think that i'm a damn good friend. and people have been damn good to me. but in all honesty, most of those people haven't gotten all of me in return.

so what am i trying to say? i have no idea. it just seems that everytime a week off comes along i turn into that same sad, naive little freshman just trying to find someone that will care enough to talk to her. and i can't return to being that girl anymore. i need to be stronger. i need to be more confident. and in the end? all i'm really looking for is the light at the end of a very long, dark tunnel.

i scare myself. i'm up, i'm down, i'm everywhere, it switches so fast. i've gotten so used to being this way that the only way i notice that something is wrong is when someone points it out.

so when ms. haugen pointed out that i have my good days and my bad days, and that i switch quite frequently, it's been all that i can notice lately. she's right.

it really wears me down too, ya know? my body is tired, my eyes can barely stay open. i don't eat as much, i feel dizzy and faint most of the time. side effects of my medicine accentuated by me just being...crazy. that's the only way to explain it. crazy.

i took this quiz that michelle had on her livejournal. and damn. it's so true.

( woah. )